Friday, 15 March 2013

Some flippancy for a Friday



Executive Summary

This report presents the final results of an in-depth investigation into the nature of innovation in the UK, and how it relates to the achievement of a low carbon economy.

The research comprised an extensive literature review; widespread consultation and engagement with a range of stakeholders; and detailed econometric modelling work.

Our key findings are as follows:

·         innovation is a ten letter word, with an even balance of vowels and consonants

·         innovation is defined in a number of different ways, by different stakeholders, but is always spelled the same

·         two definitions tend to dominate:

Ø  innovation is a made-up concept designed to keep otherwise pointless civil servants and academics in employment

Ø  innovation is an electromagnetic phenomenon corresponding closely to colour

·         our econometric modelling revealed that the first of these definitions correlates closely with the proportion of UK GDP accounted for by the movement of pieces of paper from one desk to another, but otherwise has no environmental implications

·         the second definition, on the other hand, was shown to correspond closely with the evolution of the economy in recent years from maroon to aquamarine; and incremental changes in the colour of innovation closely tracked the UK’s CO2 emissions

·         our more detailed investigation of the latter phenomenon revealed that highly innovative businesses and individuals are generally yellow, with emissions profiles that vary between loud and very loud.  Conversely, low innovation businesses are generally pink, with emissions that are typically quick, quick, slow

·         an index of innovation was developed on the basis of the colour scheme, and revealed that the average colour is orange, and the average level of innovation is about the same

·         Cronbach’s alpha wave analysis, divided by the square root of Godel’s impossibility parameters, revealed that seven of the nine segments for which emissions factors could be calculated recycled at least two out of five materials using one of four distinguishable processing routes on more than 75% of occasions on which fortnightly collections corresponded with off-trend spikes (p>0.00001) in diet-related carbon emissions during periods of either high-than-anticipated retail price inflation (thus confirming the Erhlich/Runes hypothesis) or when public holidays fell precisely midway between non-contiguous circadian mood swings (thus rejecting the Doo/Lally conjecture)



·         the principal policy implications are:

Ø  emissions reduction on the scale required can be achieved by the judicious mixing of brown, blue, green and yellow

Ø  innovation funding should be softened, stroked and sung to the theme tune from The Persuaders




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